Healing Emotional Rifts Between Parents and Adult Children

Transcript

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Your relationship with yourself is the foundation of your relationship with your child or children.

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If there's a problem in your relationship with your child or children, it may indicate that there's something to look at within you, a way that maybe there's a disconnect inside or there's self-criticism, stuff that doesn't quite come together within you.

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So it is never the wrong thing to focus on your relationship with yourself.

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Hello everyone.

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Welcome to Bite your Tongue, the podcast.

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I'm Denise and I'm Kirsten, and we hope you will join us as we explore the ins and outs of building healthy relationships with our adult children.

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Together.

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We'll speak with experts, share heartfelt stories and get timely advice addressing topics that matter most to you.

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Get ready to dive deep and learn, to build and nurture deep connections with our adult children and, of course, when, to bite our tongues.

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So let's get started.

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Welcome, Tina.

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We're thrilled to have you with us.

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I think we should start by you telling our listeners a little bit about how you got into this whole arena and specialty of helping parents who are estranged from their adult children.

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Yeah, I really just fell into it by accident.

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As a therapist, I had all these adult clients who came in for various reasons, but they often mentioned that they were not happy with their parents.

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They didn't want to go home for holidays, they were exasperated by their parents contacting them and all of this stuff.

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And when I asked them about it, you know what do your parents say when you tell them, oh, I can't tell them, or oh, they don't get it, or there was, it was.

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I became aware that there was this big disconnect between my clients and their parents and you know it's not ethical for me to go reach out to their parents and say, hey, guess what?

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I had a website, I was writing articles and I wrote an article called what to do when someone won't talk to you because, by the way, my clients were also having trouble in relationships with, with the silent treatment and people you know not talking to them.

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So and I started hearing from parents like by the dozens, and then it was by the hundreds and it just became clear that there was a massive need for acknowledgement and help with parent-adult-child estrangement.

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I felt like I had a lot of compassion, you know, for the people involved.

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I have a lot of compassion too.

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When I started this podcast, no one was really talking about adult-child-parent relationships.

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Now it's become a little bit more forthright and people are talking about it.

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But let's talk about what estrangement really is and why do you think this phenomenon is growing so much.

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I mean, a lot of people are saying, well, these millennials, they're very spoiled, you know.

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They just therapists are telling them cut out your parents.

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But really, what do you think?

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What do you think's really happening here?

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And then I want you to clarify that what we're talking about today is just sort of a typical estrangement.

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I don't want to go into sexual abuse harm.

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People that you know went through really severe cases.

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This is where the parents driving them crazy or triggering them in some way that they're breaking off.

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So let's start with define estrangement and why you think it's such a growing phenomenon.

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Yeah, we don't have an agreed upon definition of estrangement.

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Some researchers have made it entirely quantitative If you haven't talked to your child for this long, it means you're estranged.

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Other researchers see it more as a qualitative thing.

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So there are different definitions.

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I think of it as basically it's a relationship where it feels like it's in trouble.

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It feels like there's at least an emotional distance between you.

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There's more distance than you would like.

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Maybe there's a tension in the relationship.

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So it's a troubled relationship that's characterized by some sense of distance that is unwanted, at least on one side.

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So it doesn't have to be just silence.

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Oh no, it could be total silence, but it could also be.

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You talk every day but there's a maybe there's a constant tension or you're always getting into little conflicts and sometimes you go apart and have to be apart for a while and then you come back together.

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So there can be like an on again, off again.

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Now we're speaking, now we're not aspect to it Anywhere from you know you see them all the time to you never see them can be a form of estrangement.

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It's really kind of how much is it hurting you to continue with the relationship as it is because of a sense of?

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distance Boy.

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That's really interesting.

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I would say many, many parents have a sense where they're walking on eggshells and they need to always watch what they're saying and that can be a form of estrangement if you're hurting.

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Yeah, I think of it as emotional estrangement.

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The distance is not physical, it's not logistical.

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Okay, you can get them on the phone, but there's a feeling that the relationship is no longer as close as it once was and you can sort of hold both things at once.

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You can understand, okay, yeah, they're adults, they have their own lives, they have partners, they have new attachment figures.

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I get it.

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But also there can be a real sense of grief for the loss of that connection, that sense of connection that you used to have.

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If it feels like there is room for the relationship to be easier, better, a little bit closer, without there being over-involvement, then there may be some repair work that can be done.

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But the idea, of course, that it'll ever be the way it was when they were living at home, that's a pretty tall order ever be the way it was when they were living at home.

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That's a pretty tall order, sort of what I was going to say.

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Isn't there some responsibility of the parent to also understand that as the child becomes an adult, the relationship will change and that you are not the center stage?

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You can get hurt for them not calling you all the time or not sharing everything with you.

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I didn't share everything with my parents.

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Isn't there something in us where we have to say what is it we really want and who are we to demand all of this?

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I mean, I don't feel as close to my children as I did when they were living with me by any means, because hopefully, I raised them to be independent.

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They each have significant others.

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That person should be their go-to person, at least in my mind.

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Yes, so is this something parents have to learn?

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What are our expectations?

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Well, the parents I speak to usually say I know very well that I am not the primary person in my child's life and that's good, I'm glad they have someone else.

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I just need to know they're okay.

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I just want to have a little tiny corner of their lives where I can fit in.

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You know, just to be included, even in a small way, is all I want.

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So it's very painful when even that seems unattainable.

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You mentioned on your website that a stranger can happen to even good people, and I know very good parents in my life that raised wonderful children.

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They care deeply about their children, and yet there's estrangement.

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You also say that many estrangements are temporary and that parents have control over the situation.

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How does this estrangement typically unfold and how do parents have the control?

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What can they do?

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Our listeners like to get tips.

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What should they be looking for?

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What should they be doing?

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How can they improve and better this relationship?

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Okay?

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well, the idea that parents have total control over the situation is, of course, not true Parents have control.

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I guess you wrote more control, not total.

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You wrote more control.

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I guess you wrote more control, not total.

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You wrote more control.

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Well, there's usually more control than you think in your relationship with your kid because the parent, in my view, always sets the tone of the relationship, even if you don't get to set the level of frequency of contact or any of that.

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Since your child was born, since they came into your life, the parent has set the tone for the parent-child relationship.

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The child was not able to do that when they first came into the relationship.

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The parent did, and for the first, let's say, 18 years it was the parent who set the tone as best they could for the relationship, given whatever came back at them.

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And I believe that throughout life, parents of children any age retain a certain special status in that relationship because of the history, because of having been responsible for your child for so many years of their early lives.

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But the control that you have is more to do with influence than it is to do with actually, you know, putting your hands in and messing around.

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The influence you have is largely from role modeling.

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Once they're adults, the influence you have is with yourself, in your behavior, your words, how you choose to approach, the tone that you take.

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These are all within the parent's control and they certainly can have an impact.

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Anytime a relationship, one person in a relationship, changes, it does change the relationship.

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But you know, people ask well, if my child isn't talking to me, how much does it matter what I do?

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They're not going to see it.

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That brings us to a central point.

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It's one of my takeaways, I think, for today, which is that the parent's relationship with him or herself is the foundation of the relationship with their child or children.

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The more parents focus on their own healing, their own growth, their own well-being, their own needs emotionally, the better equipped they are to show up in that parent-child relationship with a full bucket emotionally.

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That's kind of an ideal way to show up in that parent-child relationship with a full bucket emotionally.

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That's kind of an ideal way to show up in that particular relationship.

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Because it seems to cause trouble when parents approach the adult child.

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Sometimes without that full bucket the parent may not even realize some of the needs that they have that are going unmet.

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But children are so good at sussing out what's going on with their parents that may be largely unconscious to the parent.

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I want some examples of this, but the first thing that comes to mind to me is the parent's insecure and they have to sort of fill up their bucket and that's hard, hard work because they're showing their child.

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They're insecure by the questions they're asking their child.

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Are they trying to get the security through their child?

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Can you give me some examples of that?

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When the bucket's not full, how they may approach things, and then when the bucket's full, how?

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you approach things Well.

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An example I see a lot of a bucket that's not full is a parent who has not.

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Let's say, it's a mom who has not really had a lot of support in her life, who hasn't had a full partnership with her spouse or partner and she is pretty much coming last in most of her relationships.

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Who is a good, sensitive, loving person, who is very well aware of mom's unmet needs and including her need for visibility, for appreciation for the needs that we all have.

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To be special to someone, to matter as humans to someone and unbeknownst to that mom, who is so used to her needs, just mattering, not at all unbeknownst to her, her emotional well-being may be front and center in her relationship with that child.

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That child can take on the emotional burden of those unmet needs without the mom knowing, let alone intending for that to happen.

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The mom can say don't worry about me, you know, go be happy, go do your thing.

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But words are nothing compared to how you are in your being.

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So the mom we're talking about is maybe out of touch with herself in ways that she doesn't even realize.

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What are the steps they have to take?

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Maybe you feel that way, but what do you need to do?

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I don't know.

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Common actions and behaviors that unintentionally push away our adult children.

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Well, one is continuing to parent as if they were still at home, still there, still children.

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That's a pretty common one.

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I think that people understand that continuing to parent your child as you did before can unwittingly push them away because your 25-year-old does not want to necessarily have, necessarily they might, but they may not want that kind of parenting.

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But not taking sufficient care of themselves is something that can unwittingly push children away, as I just mentioned.

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How do you know if you're not taking care of yourself?

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One clue is your child's estrangement.

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You know, estrangement is for many people the first sign that what they've been doing is no longer working.

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What they've been doing to hold themselves together, to hold everyone else together, whatever they've been doing to make life work, it has broken down in some very important way in this most important relationship.

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So estrangement may be your first clue that your relationship with yourself is in trouble.

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If your relationship with yourself is the foundation of your relationship with your child, then trouble in that relationship may indicate trouble within.

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It may be being out of touch with yourself, being out of touch with your own needs.

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Insecurity, as you mentioned, and all of these things come from a place of experience.

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If you're insecure, there's a reason for that.

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You were born with a certain temperament, you know.

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You may have a sort of a temperament where you're not super bold, but you're not born insecure.

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Insecurity is learned in relationship to other people and the world.

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Being tentative, being shy, may be a temperament thing.

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Insecurity is different, it's interpersonal.

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So when the estranged adult child, they may say actually this happens quite a lot.

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An adult child will say please get therapy.

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And the parent feels offended.

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Of course, right.

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Who are you to tell me to get therapy.

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What are you talking about?

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And I don't need that?

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Or will you come to therapy with me?

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Let's work this out.

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And that's not a good idea.

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I actually did a podcast on this because therapy with your adult child is fraught.

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Let's say, when you go into therapy with your child it is not like going into therapy with your husband or wife.

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As a parent in family therapy you're kind of in the hot seat in ways that can be excruciating, and I have heard many stories of parents going to therapy either at their own request or at the request of an adult child with whom they were having a troubled relationship and therapy making things worse Because the parent was not prepared for the feeling of being just eviscerated in the therapy room.

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And that can happen, even if you know a therapist is trying to not let that happen.

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Being a parent is so just inherently vulnerable that when you're being faced with a problem presented by your adult child, it can hook into all sorts of shame.

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I can't even describe how awful it can feel being in a therapy room with your adult child if you are not prepared.

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Feel being in a therapy room with your adult child if you are not prepared, and I feel like preparation is going to your own therapy and getting used to looking inside with love, not with judgment or criticism.

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Many people don't know how to look at themselves without thinking.

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I'm looking at myself to find out how bad I am and how I can change and be better.

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That's not what, in my view, what therapy is about.

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I think therapy should be about learning how lovable you actually are, even though you're not perfect.

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So step one is stop.

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If there's a problem with your child, stop, pause.

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It can be sort of panicking.

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It feels like if I don't do something right now, my child is going to go further and further away.

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I've got to do something to stop this.

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I understand that.

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It's understandable.

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It's panic, though.

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It's not true that if you don't act now, this is not going to be fixable, and in fact, in many cases, it's true that if you act prematurely, you can make things worse.

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So the first thing is stop, pause, breathe, rest and focus on yourself.

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Focus on yourself.

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What's going on with me right now?

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And that's hard for a mom who's focused on their family and their children for their whole life.

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They've given so much of themselves.

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I did an episode I'm not going to say her name right, but she's great at mother-daughter relationships Roshka, Roshka, Heseldine, Heseldine.

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Yeah, and we titled the episode the Burnt Hamburger because the mother always took the burnt hamburger.

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If you cooked all the hamburgers, oh, I'll take the burnt one.

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And she says well, that's where it starts, and I never could quite understand it.

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You're saying the exact same thing that you have to take care of yourself.

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So the other thing I want to ask is it seems like everything you're saying and everything I hear, it's the parent's responsibility to change, and you kind of said that at the beginning.

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But sometimes you want to say why isn't my kid nicer to me?

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Can't they just say, mom, that doesn't sound right, Try it again?

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Or, instead of just getting angry or arguing, do they have any responsibility in this relationship?

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Great question.

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Very often estranged adult children have their own work to do.

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Certainly it becomes the parent's responsibility to fix when it is the parent who wants the relationship and the child has stepped away.

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If you are stepping away from me, Denise, and I want you back, and you're indifferent or appear to be.

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It's kind of my job to try to figure out.

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How do I get Denise back.

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Whereas if we're both in it and we're having trouble together and we're upfront about how much we love each other, then we can meet each other halfway.

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Okay.

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So now your child's estranged, are there steps towards approaching contact again?

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Your child says I can't talk to you anymore.

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It's causing havoc on my emotional self.

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I need a break.

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I don't know how many months go by, or weeks go by, or what does the parent have to do at this point.

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Yeah, I have a sort of conceived of a roadmap of sorts.

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It's very general but it's designed to really apply to just about everyone who finds themselves estranged from their adult children and it's got basically three steps.

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Step one is rest and recover.

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As I just indicated, the roadmap goes in the opposite direction to what you would think.

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First is rest and focus on yourself.

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Second is research, learn, understand, figure out and don't rely on your child for that.

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And step three is reach out.

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Most parents naturally do the reaching out immediately, like stop, stop, come back, and then, if that doesn't work, they may do some research and then, when they get exhausted and hopeless and desperate, they finally rest for the moment.

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That is the opposite of the way that I would love for parents to approach it.

00:19:37.588 --> 00:19:45.884
It's super hard, it's extremely unnatural, because it feels like you're walking in the opposite direction from where you need to go to get your child back.

00:19:46.435 --> 00:19:49.546
So once the parent has rested, maybe they've even gotten therapy.

00:19:49.546 --> 00:19:51.362
Maybe a couple months has passed.

00:19:51.362 --> 00:19:52.657
How do they?

00:19:52.718 --> 00:19:53.361
re-approach.

00:19:53.361 --> 00:19:57.423
So approaching is step two is research.

00:19:57.423 --> 00:20:05.164
90% of the work of reconnecting the parent can do without reaching out to the adult child.

00:20:05.164 --> 00:20:12.244
In many cases, if not most cases, that doesn't quite compute right Because, like, how do you reconnect?

00:20:12.244 --> 00:20:15.077
If there's no contact, right Contact.

00:20:15.077 --> 00:20:17.085
The lack of contact is not the problem.

00:20:17.085 --> 00:20:26.663
If you could solve the problem with more contact, then you would just reach out a lot and the kid would go oh okay, we're okay now because we have lots of contact.

00:20:26.663 --> 00:20:27.564
It doesn't work.

00:20:27.904 --> 00:20:29.528
No, I get it, I get it, I get it.

00:20:29.734 --> 00:20:42.401
So that's why you want to do everything you can to be prepared for contact, because the contact that you used to have led to estrangement.

00:20:42.401 --> 00:20:57.846
Something in there, let's presume something in the relationship, in the contact, in the interactions over time ended with an estrangement and so contact itself can be explored and plumbed.

00:20:57.846 --> 00:21:09.019
For what was going on there that was so uncomfortable for my child that they made this difficult decision to just stop what was going on in there?

00:21:09.019 --> 00:21:11.444
And parents ask me well, how can I find that out?

00:21:11.444 --> 00:21:12.256
They won't talk to me.

00:21:12.256 --> 00:21:13.740
I don't know what was going on.

00:21:13.740 --> 00:21:16.105
That's a reasonable thing to ask.

00:21:16.276 --> 00:21:24.602
But the fact is there's tons of information available about what goes wrong between parents and children and between parents and adult children.

00:21:24.602 --> 00:21:26.666
Tons of information, in fact.

00:21:26.666 --> 00:21:35.199
Your adult child may not even know or be able to articulate in a way that you can hear or at all what the issue is.

00:21:35.199 --> 00:21:38.767
I know somebody who was estranged for years from his family.

00:21:38.767 --> 00:21:42.805
He told me, and when I asked him why, he said I don't really know.

00:21:42.805 --> 00:21:48.484
But then after some years he just went back and he's been back ever since with his family.

00:21:48.484 --> 00:21:55.280
Some estrangements are like that, where the adult child really can't even articulate why they need that space.

00:21:56.201 --> 00:21:59.365
During this time, there's not a birthday card even sent.

00:21:59.365 --> 00:22:02.289
The parent just has to disappear and work on themselves.

00:22:02.289 --> 00:22:03.250
Is that what you're saying?

00:22:04.555 --> 00:22:04.895
Not in every case.

00:22:04.895 --> 00:22:16.027
If you've been asked specifically I need some space or I need some time, I will contact you when I'm ready that kind of language, then you've been asked for no contact.

00:22:16.027 --> 00:22:25.068
Contact you when I'm ready that kind of language, then you've been asked for no contact, and in that case the most relationship-preserving response is to honor that request and not reach out.

00:22:25.595 --> 00:22:26.798
Even if years go by.

00:22:27.419 --> 00:22:29.063
Yeah, hopefully years don't go by.

00:22:29.063 --> 00:22:33.640
But yes, even if years do go by, people want to have a plan from day one.

00:22:33.640 --> 00:22:37.028
If I don't hear within X time, then I will do this or that.

00:22:37.028 --> 00:22:47.443
That's understandable, but it's not always something you can do when a year has gone by and you have not reached out to your child and they have not reached out to you.

00:22:47.443 --> 00:23:05.748
Then you will be in whatever place you're in psychologically, emotionally, mentally and you will then decide do I continue to give space or do I gently reach out and offer an opportunity to come back together?

00:23:05.748 --> 00:23:12.288
And I think when you've had a no contact request, I don't think you have to honor that for the rest of your life.

00:23:12.288 --> 00:23:21.964
I think it's important to honor it, but there may come a time when your child might be available to reconnect but doesn't quite have enough bandwidth to figure out how.

00:23:21.964 --> 00:23:24.903
And then a gentle reach out.

00:23:25.634 --> 00:23:26.076
How would you?

00:23:26.076 --> 00:23:31.723
Because you could do all this work and rest and then reach out and say the wrong thing on the get-go.

00:23:31.894 --> 00:23:38.578
So after rest, after rest and understanding yourself and stuff is research Right, right, research Right.

00:23:38.578 --> 00:23:45.039
So that is gaining enough information that you have some idea of what went wrong.

00:23:45.039 --> 00:23:48.126
Here's an example of something that goes wrong enmeshment.

00:23:48.126 --> 00:23:51.719
I'm not sure if you have talked about that on this podcast.

00:23:51.719 --> 00:23:52.621
No, we have not.

00:23:53.942 --> 00:23:59.029
Enmeshment can trigger estrangement in adult children once they leave.

00:23:59.029 --> 00:24:03.405
Enmeshment is, in simple terms, a too close relationship.

00:24:03.405 --> 00:24:06.421
It's over-involvement, it's not enough room.

00:24:06.421 --> 00:24:08.519
There's often role confusion.

00:24:08.558 --> 00:24:23.536
Where the child is more like a friend they might be 10 years old but still feel like dad's best friend or mom's best friend that kind of relationship feels good, it feels like closeness, but it feels better for the parent than for the child.

00:24:23.536 --> 00:24:26.843
You may not know that that's the kind of scary thing is you?

00:24:26.843 --> 00:24:43.988
You may not realize that this closeness doesn't feel quite the same to the child, who may feel responsible for being a good friend and also, again, for meeting some of your emotional needs, for companionship, belonging, visibility, appreciation and so on.

00:24:43.988 --> 00:25:05.742
It when a child has been enmeshed with a parent or in a very, very close family, once they have the opportunity and ability to leave the home, parents and families can be shocked at a cutoff that feels very sudden, and often there's somebody new in the picture, a new girlfriend, a new boyfriend, new set of friends, and those people are, of course.

00:25:05.742 --> 00:25:07.954
I mean, there's a correlation there, right?

00:25:07.954 --> 00:25:13.083
So it's like what have they done to our beloved child?

00:25:14.284 --> 00:25:22.663
I see different situations and particularly if it's one parent, the child feels a little bit more responsible, like you said, to have that friendship.

00:25:22.663 --> 00:25:37.986
But then if they start fulfilling their life as they're getting older, I can understand how the parent might really start to feel left out because they haven't taken the time to work on themselves right Because the parent may not have anyone else who lights them up the way that child does.

00:25:38.336 --> 00:25:43.027
They may not have another emotional intimate relationship the way they do with that child.

00:25:43.654 --> 00:25:44.980
So how does a parent recognize this?

00:25:44.980 --> 00:25:46.300
It all sounds so wonderful.

00:25:46.300 --> 00:25:48.321
The child's calling all the time.

00:25:48.321 --> 00:25:51.545
They're sharing all kinds of fun things, they gossip together.

00:25:51.545 --> 00:25:57.759
Does the parent start recognizing this and think, okay, I've got to pull away a little bit, or could it all be wonderful?

00:25:57.759 --> 00:25:58.661
It could all be wonderful.

00:25:58.761 --> 00:26:02.076
Enmeshment doesn't have to lead to estrangement.

00:26:02.076 --> 00:26:03.680
It doesn't have to Right.

00:26:03.680 --> 00:26:13.688
It can, though, and I think, from what I've seen, usually it's estrangement that clues parents in to the fact that they were enmeshed.

00:26:13.688 --> 00:26:18.196
In fact, it was too much, yeah, and sometimes parents ask me is it possible?

00:26:18.196 --> 00:26:23.460
I mean, my child seems enmeshed with me, but is it possible for them to be enmeshed with me and not the other way around?

00:26:23.460 --> 00:26:27.255
The answer is there isn't such a thing as a one-sided zipper.

00:26:27.255 --> 00:26:31.165
I mean, enmeshment is a collaborative thing.

00:26:31.837 --> 00:26:33.249
Right, that makes perfect sense.

00:26:33.249 --> 00:26:42.384
So we talked about continuing setting gifts because I think, like you said, estrangement isn't just being completely cut off.

00:26:42.384 --> 00:26:53.037
It also can be feeling uncomfortable, and I like this conversation A and conversation about a parent calling their son at college and how.

00:26:53.037 --> 00:27:05.665
The first one you say be curious, not defensive, and I think this is true for everyone listening, whether you're estranged from your child or not these kinds of tools on how to approach them.

00:27:05.665 --> 00:27:09.945
Someone else said always be curious, tell me more.

00:27:09.945 --> 00:27:11.421
I'd like to just go through this.

00:27:11.421 --> 00:27:15.134
I'll be the mom, okay, because I can be a tough one.

00:27:15.134 --> 00:27:16.500
I can probably say it all wrong.

00:27:16.500 --> 00:27:23.021
So the first conversation is well, I would probably say Hi, sweetie, how are your classes going?

00:27:23.383 --> 00:27:23.924
Fine.

00:27:23.924 --> 00:27:25.619
You don't have to yell at me.

00:27:25.619 --> 00:27:26.522
I'm just trying to.

00:27:26.522 --> 00:27:28.161
I know what you're trying to do, I know okay.

00:27:30.316 --> 00:27:31.118
So what have I done?

00:27:31.118 --> 00:27:32.103
What have I done now?

00:27:32.103 --> 00:27:34.097
Every time I call you, just yell at me.

00:27:34.138 --> 00:27:35.981
I don't want to talk about this right now.

00:27:35.981 --> 00:27:37.223
I have to go, I have to study.

00:27:37.223 --> 00:27:38.205
You have to go.

00:27:38.246 --> 00:27:41.340
It's been two weeks since we've talked Mom, don't be so dramatic.

00:27:41.340 --> 00:27:44.723
Then I hang up, you hang up, and we both feel terrible.

00:27:44.723 --> 00:27:48.064
Okay, so now let's go to how we should have been doing it.

00:27:48.064 --> 00:27:51.702
Hi, sweetie, how are classes going?

00:27:51.702 --> 00:27:54.051
Fine, great honey.

00:27:54.133 --> 00:27:54.614
You're fine, okay.

00:27:54.614 --> 00:27:57.375
Okay, that's wonderful, is that it?

00:27:57.375 --> 00:27:58.797
What do you mean?

00:27:58.797 --> 00:28:02.162
I can't believe you're not going to ask for details about my classes.

00:28:02.162 --> 00:28:03.242
That's what you usually do.

00:28:03.663 --> 00:28:06.026
I know I usually do ask that, don't I?

00:28:06.527 --> 00:28:07.067
That's fine.

00:28:07.067 --> 00:28:07.969
I don't need you to ask.

00:28:07.969 --> 00:28:09.770
In fact, please don't Okay.

00:28:10.976 --> 00:28:11.296
How are you?

00:28:11.296 --> 00:28:20.615
Do you really have to start saying that's wonderful or good for you, you or just open curious statements and rather than how was that English test?

00:28:20.615 --> 00:28:24.807
We all have to practice that because all of us want to know how the English test went.

00:28:25.154 --> 00:28:26.438
It's easier said than done.

00:28:26.438 --> 00:28:33.196
A lot of what we talk about, and you know what's prescribed, is far easier said than done, isn't it?

00:28:33.196 --> 00:28:33.737
And I?

00:28:34.198 --> 00:28:36.599
think it's so far easier said than done.

00:28:36.680 --> 00:28:51.332
But that has to do with how full our buckets are, how equipped we are, how taken care of we are in our own lives, that we are able to come with this ability, this calm, maybe, and practice this skill.

00:28:51.694 --> 00:28:54.986
A single parent may feel very alone and not taken.

00:28:54.986 --> 00:29:04.836
You know, when money's an issue, you don't know what everyone's struggling with and it's hard to rise above all of that.

00:29:04.836 --> 00:29:07.544
I interviewed this one woman and you would love her, dr Susan Heitler, and I use what she told me.

00:29:07.544 --> 00:29:18.144
She said to me and to our listeners it's always agree, and so if your child says I'm mad about this or whatever, I agree, you must be really angry about that.

00:29:18.144 --> 00:29:21.419
We should talk about it rather than why do I make you angry?

00:29:21.419 --> 00:29:23.522
It's disagree and no buts.

00:29:23.522 --> 00:29:27.758
I try to use that as much as I can with my husband, with my friends.

00:29:27.758 --> 00:29:30.324
It's not always just your adult child.

00:29:30.684 --> 00:29:31.727
That's right, that's so true.

00:29:31.727 --> 00:29:34.259
And don't you find that you kind of have to be ready to do that?

00:29:34.259 --> 00:29:38.227
You have to be thinking about it Like I am going to not just react.

00:29:38.227 --> 00:29:44.145
I'm going to respond the way I know I want to right, it's a lot of work, though it's a lot of work.

00:29:44.586 --> 00:29:46.498
I want you to talk about your reconnection club.

00:29:46.498 --> 00:29:48.804
I also just want to show everyone her book.

00:29:48.804 --> 00:29:57.357
I know it's backwards, but it's reconnecting with your estranged adult child and there are so many things in here that I think everyone will love.

00:29:57.357 --> 00:30:00.403
In fact, before we get to the end, I want to talk about giving advice.

00:30:00.403 --> 00:30:03.308
So you have a whole section on giving advice.

00:30:03.308 --> 00:30:05.519
What's your advice for giving advice?

00:30:05.859 --> 00:30:20.606
Well, I mean, I'm sure you've covered this many times before, but if they want advice and you have some good advice to give, then yes, but it's so hard to go from a hundred to zero, right, for 18 years or whatever.

00:30:20.606 --> 00:30:34.348
You give advice, for some period of time you are legally obligated to be in their lives and have a major influence and then boom, they're legally adults now and you have zero.

00:30:34.895 --> 00:30:36.338
They're supporting themselves.

00:30:36.338 --> 00:30:39.708
You have no financial ties, because money can be a weird thing.

00:30:40.634 --> 00:30:41.156
Absolutely.

00:30:41.156 --> 00:30:42.118
Yes, it can.

00:30:42.118 --> 00:30:56.346
It's a lot to navigate the money issues, but also the emotional impact of going from I kind of own a lot of your stuff to I own nothing of yours.

00:30:56.346 --> 00:30:58.596
Right, that's a big shift.

00:30:58.596 --> 00:31:02.779
And while you're making that shift, there's all these details that you have to figure out.

00:31:02.779 --> 00:31:04.282
What's my role here?

00:31:04.282 --> 00:31:09.381
It's like a whole new language, a whole new circumstances to get used to.

00:31:09.381 --> 00:31:11.204
Rules, a whole new set of rules.

00:31:11.865 --> 00:31:14.539
What do you say to a parent when they're watching their child?

00:31:14.539 --> 00:31:16.645
Any example they're buying their first home.

00:31:16.645 --> 00:31:24.874
They're spending $500,000 and you just think, oh my gosh, this is not the right house for them to buy the neighborhood.

00:31:24.874 --> 00:31:27.740
They're not thinking through the fees the right way.

00:31:27.740 --> 00:31:29.345
Do you offer advice or zip it?

00:31:29.345 --> 00:31:30.106
Bite your tongue.

00:31:30.935 --> 00:31:39.686
Yeah, you know, I think bite your tongue is the thing to do, but don't do it without giving yourself the room to have whatever it is you have about it.

00:31:39.686 --> 00:31:41.742
Are you afraid for them?

00:31:41.742 --> 00:31:43.740
Are you sad?

00:31:43.740 --> 00:31:47.305
Is there sadness in there about how much they're moving on?

00:31:47.305 --> 00:31:50.986
I mean, what are all the feelings in there that are activating you?

00:31:50.986 --> 00:31:58.678
Because if you don't take a moment to turn the focus around, you're missing an opportunity for your own healing and your own growth.

00:31:58.678 --> 00:31:59.338
Turn the focus around.

00:31:59.338 --> 00:32:00.961
You're missing an opportunity for your own healing and your own growth.

00:32:00.980 --> 00:32:05.446
Our whole past is always kind of it's in there and it's always presenting itself in little ways here and there.

00:32:05.446 --> 00:32:07.829
Like, is it time for you to think about me?

00:32:07.829 --> 00:32:13.702
Would you like to feel this, finally, the thing that you had to put away?

00:32:13.702 --> 00:32:23.743
So there's all these opportunities, and kids are a rich source of opportunities to process grief, to process resentment, to process even I'll say this hatred.

00:32:24.394 --> 00:32:37.968
Some people I think more people than will admit it have experienced feelings of hatred toward their children, and it's important to me to say that, because it is a huge taboo.

00:32:37.968 --> 00:32:48.375
You don't hear people going around and saying that, but if any parent hearing this has ever felt like, oh, I just hate this person, even just in the moment.

00:32:48.375 --> 00:33:02.156
Understand that hatred is not the opposite of love and that it is very understandable in a circumstance where you feel powerless against being hurt by someone who seems more powerful than you.

00:33:02.156 --> 00:33:06.527
So it's kind of a combination of resentment and anger and powerlessness.

00:33:06.527 --> 00:33:07.557
That's what hatred is.

00:33:07.557 --> 00:33:11.549
We don't you know a bird that poops on our car?

00:33:11.549 --> 00:33:16.441
I mean we don't feel powerless in the face of, or a toddler who's raging.

00:33:16.441 --> 00:33:22.198
We doesn't necessarily evoke those strong feelings when you say love and hate.

00:33:23.259 --> 00:33:26.907
I wonder too if that hate comes through because you've loved so much.

00:33:26.907 --> 00:33:29.057
Does that make sense?

00:33:30.059 --> 00:33:32.163
You think because of the intensity?

00:33:32.884 --> 00:33:39.325
Yeah, you've loved this person so much and now, everything they're doing, you're feeling this like who are you?

00:33:39.325 --> 00:33:49.019
I can't stand you, but I'm not sure that hate would be so great if you didn't love them so much Does that make any sense?

00:33:49.239 --> 00:33:49.861
It does to me.

00:33:49.861 --> 00:33:51.984
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

00:33:51.984 --> 00:34:07.893
It's important to me to talk about hatred and the whole rainbow of feelings because I want people to accept that they're human and they do have a full range of emotions, and it doesn't make you bad to have feelings that are uncomfortable or painful.

00:34:07.893 --> 00:34:21.797
And the more you can accept all of your feelings toward your child or anything else, the easier it will be to both accept and understand and show compassion for your child's feelings if they differ from yours.

00:34:22.599 --> 00:34:23.400
This is so great.

00:34:23.400 --> 00:34:26.768
You're so right when you say rest and do research.

00:34:26.768 --> 00:34:31.050
I want to be clear on what this research is, because it can take time.

00:34:31.050 --> 00:34:32.795
It can be reading your book.

00:34:32.795 --> 00:34:40.112
It can be reading Joshua Coleman's book, it can be it's not just going online and fiddling around.

00:34:40.112 --> 00:34:48.797
It's really understanding how relationships work and how you may be contributing to what's upsetting this relationship.

00:34:48.797 --> 00:34:52.465

Healing Emotional Rifts Between Parents and Adult Children

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