Home for the Holidays: Navigating the Joys and Challenges of Being Together

Transcript

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We can't expect the holidays to look the same way they always did.

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That's just not healthy, that's not wise, because these adult children now have a say.

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They will have families of their own.

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You will have to learn to share, and so this season is all about again going back to a mom taking care of that inner stuff.

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That is all about her and not about her kids.

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Hello everyone, welcome to Bite your Tongue the podcast.

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I'm Denise and I'm Kirsten, and we hope you will join us as we explore the ins and outs of building healthy relationships with our adult children.

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Together, we'll speak with experts, share heartfelt stories and get timely advice addressing topics that matter most to you.

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Get ready to dive deep and learn, to build and nurture deep connections with our adult children and, of course, when, to bite our tongues.

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So let's get started.

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Hi everyone, welcome to another episode of Bite your Tongue, the podcast.

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I'm Denise and today Kirsten's not with me, because I decided at the last minute to do this quick holiday episode.

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I thought here we are running around frantically during this month I think it's mid-December right now and why are we all running around like crazy?

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Whatever we're celebrating, we're getting our homes ready, we're doing this, we're doing that.

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It's become a crazy time of year, so let's consider this a quick, short episode about visiting our adult children during the holidays or how to prepare for them to come home and not get stressed.

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We're going to talk to two people, so let's get started.

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First we're going to welcome Pamela Heckelman, a certified Empty Nest coach, speaker and podcaster.

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I first found her through her podcast, midlife Mama, and she also has a lot of great blog posts on her website.

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She's graciously offered all of our listeners a free handout called your Kids Are Grown Now what?

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I'll put that link in our episode notes.

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After Pamela, we're shifting gears and welcoming Rabbi Shlomo Schlotkin.

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We're definitely a secular podcast, respecting all beliefs.

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When I read some of the rabbi's teachings, especially about young adults, I thought he might be a great person to talk to.

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He's a licensed professional counselor and what I really liked is he's a certified Imago relationship therapist.

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Imago relationship therapy is about couples counseling or couples therapy, and I really believe that any relationship counseling couples, our adult children, our friends all have some of the same techniques.

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I learned that through our episode with Susan Heitler, so it's all about the relationship and I thought he'd be really great.

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We're going to start with Pamela, so let's dive into the conversation and get started.

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Welcome, pamela.

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Is there anything I missed in your intro that you want to add before we get started with the episode and our questions?

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Sure.

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Well, first of all, I want to say I'm just a mom who has failed and fallen and learned some really important lessons, and so I hope you feel like you're like that too, and we're all just here to grow a little bit.

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We are.

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It's funny.

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I just posted something on Instagram of followers said gosh, I feel this exact way and my youngest is 24 or something.

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I think we all thought we were done when we were 18.

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And this second stage that no one understands is really the longest relationship we'll have in our lives with our kids.

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So I think we're all in the same boat.

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You are, but today we're talking about holidays.

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It's holidays, but also anytime your adult kids come home, particularly if they live out of state, I think there's anxiety on both parts.

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Why do you think people get a little bit anxious when the adult kids come home?

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Well, I think because everything's changed.

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And the funny thing is, why is it?

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When we get back into our mom's house, we all feel 14?

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Why is that?

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I do not know, but it is a phenomenon that I know that our children are walking through, and so what can we do to make them feel better?

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I want my home to be a haven for my kids, that, no matter where they're, at what they're going through, home is a safe place to land, and I think mom always sets the tone in the home.

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She just always does.

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They're coming home, all these things that have gone through our minds when they're gone, like how's that relationship with Sally?

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Is your job going okay?

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Is your apartment rent going up?

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And we want to ask all these things.

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So the tension's in us.

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Do you?

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have any suggestion on how we just welcome them without all of this baggage that they can almost see in our face?

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Right, right.

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Well, I think the best thing you can do is care for yourself beforehand and think it through.

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If you know there's a topic that is emotionally triggering for you, that's on you, then you do the work, whether you need to go for a walk, you need to journal, you need to find a counselor.

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If you're a woman of faith, then you need to pray, but take care of yourself and manage some of those emotions.

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I think it's really important for women to have emotional confidence, to know what to do, to respond well, so that it doesn't get all this stirred up inside of us.

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We've got to take care of ourselves.

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I think so much we put on our kids and we really have to look into ourselves.

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It's funny you said that about turning 14 when we go home.

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I can remember well into adulthood, going to my parents' house and becoming a slob.

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I mean, my house is so neat.

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So now when my kids come home, I just look at all the shoes by the front door, I look at all the jackets hanging over the thing rather than hanging up and I just say, okay, it's just a week, it's just a week.

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It's just a week.

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Yes, it's just a week.

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Those 14 coffee mugs that I keep running through the dishwasher.

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You know what we did in our family.

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This was probably before COVID.

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I was tired of doing all the cooking and the prep and I said you know what?

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We're going to take turns and your family gets this meal, and your family gets this meal and your family gets this meal and then they're responsible to buy all the food, cook all the food, serve the food and clean up.

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It has taken all the pressure off me and my husband because I'm like honey, get out of the kitchen, you're cleaning the dishes again.

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And my husband because I'm like honey, get out of the kitchen.

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You're cleaning the dishes again.

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This year, for the first time, my son and his girlfriend are coming home and I said you are cooking Christmas Eve?

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And he wrote back and said, fine, because I just wasn't up for it.

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I just was like I can't do it.

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I'll tell you a funny story.

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My mom used to label.

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I thought you were going to say this.

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She used to label our cups, so she would take sticky notes and say this is Denise's, this is da-da-da-da-da, but I finally understand how my mother felt.

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How do you feel?

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Let's talk about when a kid comes home and they have chosen a very different lifestyle than yours whether it be religious, whether it be, I don't know.

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Kids can have lots of different kinds of lifestyles.

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How do you?

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handle that You're all going to church or you're all going to temple or you're praying at the dinner table and they're completely off the table with that.

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What's your advice to parents for that?

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Well, first of all, I think this is the season of listening.

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Our adult kids want our empathy and our understanding.

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We don't have to agree with what they're doing, but we owe it to them to sit down and say tell me all about it, tell me where you're coming from, and then just listen.

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Listening does not equal agreeing and I think sometimes moms are afraid to listen because they're like, well, if I listen, then they'll think I agree with it.

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Your kids know where you stand on everything.

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They were raised in your home.

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They deserve the dignity of being listened to and empathizing with.

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If you want to go to church and your child doesn't, you say, hey, we're going to church at six, are you up for it?

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And when they say no, you just say, okay, sounds great.

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Don't make a big deal about it, don't make them feel bad about it.

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It's all about just this grace towards each other and actually kindness.

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Could we just be a little more kind?

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Everything you're saying is right.

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It's just always hard work.

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I looked at this article online that you wrote and it said tips for joyful holiday season, longing for the Christmas past, and that was a sentiment I could really relate to, because once those kids are grown, if there's no grandbabies, there's a whole different feel around the holidays.

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But I want to go into some of your topics.

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First, you wrote defining expectations.

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Give us that advice on defining expectations.

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Okay, well, first of all, let's understand what an expectation is.

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It is the strong belief that you have about the proper way someone should behave or something should happen.

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So moms have all these expectations around Christmas.

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It should look like this and it's we're going to do it here and we're going to eat this, and these people are going to be present.

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And this is what it looks like.

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And if it doesn't go like that, mama is going to be unhappy, and what that does is expectations are just the fuel for disappointment, and when you take disappointment far enough, it can become in bitterness, and then, whenever you're around these people, you're just like well, I'm going to reject them because they rejected me, and actually that's just not true.

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Because's not true?

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Because we can't expect the holidays to look the same way they always did.

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That's just not healthy, that's not wise, because these adult children now have a say.

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They will have families of their own.

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You will have to learn to share, and so this season is all about again going back to a mom taking care of that inner stuff.

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That is all about her and not about her kids.

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I love that All about her and not about her kids.

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I love that all about her and not about our kids.

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We have to step outside of ourselves.

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So the second thing you wrote was practicing adaptability and flexibility.

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That's the key.

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That is the key that unlocks the joy of the holiday season.

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When the kids say we're not coming home because we're going to be with my wife's parents, you have to say, okay, that sounds great, we'll see you next year, hopefully.

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Like when our first child got married, we have this.

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They came to us and said we've decided that we're going to spend Thanksgiving with you and Christmas with my wife's family and then we're going to flip-flop so we did that for years.

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Now.

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The rest of the family.

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They would be like oh, kim and Michelle aren't going to be here this year.

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I said, yeah, it is sad, but they'll be with us next year.

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Everybody has to learn to adapt.

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Flexibility is key.

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It's just so important.

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You will have more joy, you will have more peace and you won't be so frustrated.

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And maybe you'll find some time for yourself, because no one's around.

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Maybe you and your husband can go somewhere and do something fun, Exactly Okay.

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I love this one Understanding that our adult kids aren't responsible for our happiness because our lives were so filled raising our kids and now they're gone and they're building their own lives.

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People ask me what makes you happy?

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I say when my kids are around, and really they're not responsible for my happiness, so tell us more about that.

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This again, it's on mom.

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It's on what she's going to do with herself, what she's going to do with her giftings and her strengths.

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What can she look forward to?

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What could?

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What new thing could spring up?

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I didn't start podcasting or writing or coaching until my nest was empty.

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Maybe number four was heading out the door.

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But I had been a speaker for a long time and whenever I would speak, people would say, hey, you need to write a book.

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And I'm like, well, I should write a book.

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Why am I going to write a book?

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I should learn how to write a book because I've never written anything publicly, and so there's so much in us that you can discover and you can just try.

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It's hard, though.

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You really have to have confidence.

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I didn't do this until I was an empty nest and that sort of thing too a completely different career, but it's hard.

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You really step out of your safety zone and yeah, it's hard.

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That's where the good stuff happens.

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Utilizing open communication.

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So I love this.

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Help us with that.

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What is open communication?

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Maybe some tips on opening conversations, that sort of thing.

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Right.

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So when it comes to the holidays and your kids do become older and move on and have their own lives, there comes a time when you all have to sit down and have a conversation and say, hey, can we talk about the holidays?

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I want to know what are you thinking about for the holidays this year, or how would you like them to look?

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now.

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Okay.

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I don't know.

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Oh, so you're telling me you don't have an opinion and it doesn't matter to you.

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Then they do have an opinion when they come home.

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And then what matters to you most?

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Because for some our kids are going to value different things, and maybe the meal is most important, maybe it's time sitting on the couch all piled together watching their favorite movie, maybe it's going sledding, maybe it's going shopping Whatever's most meaningful to you.

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For us, it's our annual gingerbread decorating competition.

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We are fierce competitors because they're all artistic and I'm like I have zero artistic ability in the way of drawing and such, and so I'm just like, oh, I'm just going to make.

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I don't even know what I'm going to make, but I'm not going to win because you all are so talented.

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What you just said there struck something for me.

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You said maybe it's your meal, maybe it's piled on the couch watching a movie, maybe it's this, maybe it's that.

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All those are very idyllic.

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I think the holidays have become harder with social media and with okay, everyone else is sledding, everyone else is doing gingerbread competitions, everybody else is in the kitchen and no one's making a mess, but they're all cooking.

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No, it's all a big mess, right, but anyway, I'm just saying.

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I think the stress on families to make it special makes it even harder.

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Maybe that's the expectation thing.

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Yeah, maybe it's just make it comfortable.

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Make it comfortable, if y'all don't want to do anything, do anything together, at least just about feeling comfortable, I think.

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This last one.

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Maybe we talked about it Choosing what matters most and letting go of the rest.

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Right, that's just it.

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I think you'll have more peace if you just let things go.

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Let it go If it doesn't matter to anybody.

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I made these popcorn balls for 35 years and I used to hide them for my grandma.

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Then I would hide them for my mom and I asked my kids last year I said do you like those popcorn balls?

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She's like no, we don't need them.

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I'm like what?

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I was like wow, I don't have to make those popcorn balls.

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I'm shocked.

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Oh, that's so funny yeah.

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I guess, I think.

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I think the hard part is I don't know how to say this, but it's like when they come home and you're right being accepting and all of that, but you're not composting.

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The big joke now on social media, on TV, is everything in my mother's refrigerator is 20 years old or whatever but it's hard to deal with all that.

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Yeah, you just say you know what, you get your choices and I get mine.

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So back off, sometimes I think we got to get a little spicy.

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Yeah, I think you just got to handle it back, hand it back instead of getting like offended and hurt.

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I think you're right.

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Okay, so now, before we go to your takeaways, I want you to tell our listeners a little bit about your free resource called your Kids Are Grown Now.

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What will they find in this if they go to the episode notes and download it?

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Yeah.

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So this is a robust guide just to help midlife moms understand the different phases of midlife motherhood.

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I divided into three phases.

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The empty feeling mom, like her children have first left and she's desperately sad and doesn't know what to do with herself.

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And then there's the questioning mom where she's like well, wow, what is this going to look like now?

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What is this going to look like now?

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I wonder what I should do with my life.

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I wonder what's next.

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And then there's the celebratory mom who's like this is not bad and this emptiness is a lovely place to be.

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It's not bad, I know myself better.

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I'm walking in what I was supposed to be doing, yeah, so it's just kind of helping moms know what to expect in each of those areas.

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That's great, all right.

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So, pamela, before we close, I like my guests to leave our listeners with two takeaways they'd like them to remember from this interview.

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Right.

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I would say the two things you wanna do with your adult kids during the holidays is listen.

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Well, listen, listen, listen.

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You don't even have to ask any question, except tell me what you're thinking, tell me what's going on and then be flexible.

00:16:26.455 --> 00:16:29.538
A rigid mom is an unhappy mom.

00:16:29.538 --> 00:16:34.162
A rigid mom who says it has to be this way, this way, this way, she's going to be unhappy.

00:16:34.162 --> 00:16:40.855
But a flexible mom learns that the family ebbs and flows and things will change and it's going to be okay.

00:16:41.565 --> 00:16:42.067
That's great.

00:16:42.067 --> 00:16:43.914
Thank you so much for joining us.

00:16:43.914 --> 00:16:50.794
I wish you a joyous holiday season with your family and a really messy kitchen during that gingerbread making contest.

00:16:50.794 --> 00:16:52.038
It sounds like a lot of fun.

00:16:52.038 --> 00:16:55.071
Thank you, you and yours too.

00:16:55.071 --> 00:16:56.235
Thank you so much.

00:16:56.235 --> 00:17:00.508
Lot of fun, thank you, you and yours too.

00:17:00.508 --> 00:17:00.889
Thank you so much.

00:17:00.889 --> 00:17:01.351
So that was great.

00:17:01.351 --> 00:17:04.464
I think Pam had a lot of very interesting things to say, and now we're going to move on to Rabbi Slotkin.

00:17:04.464 --> 00:17:10.057
I introduced him at the onset of the episode, so we're anxious to hear what he has to say.

00:17:10.057 --> 00:17:13.086
So welcome, rabbi Slotkin.

00:17:13.086 --> 00:17:15.309
It's great that you were able to join us today.

00:17:15.309 --> 00:17:26.734
When I wrote to you, you sent me a list of key points about adult kids coming home for the holidays or anytime you're visiting your adult kids, and I'd like you to just expand a little bit on each of those points.

00:17:26.734 --> 00:17:29.128
The first one you said to me was boundaries.

00:17:29.128 --> 00:17:32.757
You say that your adult child will probably want to set boundaries.

00:17:32.757 --> 00:17:34.465
Let them so.

00:17:34.465 --> 00:17:35.269
Tell us about this.

00:17:35.269 --> 00:17:36.153
What do you mean by that?

00:17:37.550 --> 00:17:38.516
want to set boundaries, let them.

00:17:38.516 --> 00:17:39.380
So tell us about this.

00:17:39.380 --> 00:17:40.464
What do you mean by that?

00:17:40.464 --> 00:17:44.393
Sure, so I mean it's very it's normal for parents to have a hard time kind of giving space for their children.

00:17:44.393 --> 00:17:51.434
Because of the love you have for your children, you want to spend time with them when you want to spend time with them, which is not always a good time for them.

00:17:51.915 --> 00:18:25.387
There may be differences of opinions that you have If they are in a relationship, if they're married, you may not agree with some of the things that they do in terms of as they can maintain their autonomy as their own person and not just your appendage, but their own adult and to learn how to individuate, and it's not necessarily a bad thing.

00:18:25.387 --> 00:18:31.893
The challenge is like when it becomes so much about boundaries that it's all about boundaries that I can't be in relationship with you.

00:18:31.893 --> 00:18:43.011
That's where it gets a little bit problematic To set healthy boundaries, to share what's comfortable for them when they're available, when they're not available, and for the adults to be able to respect them, the parents to be able to respect them.

00:18:43.011 --> 00:18:46.607
I think that's a fair ask, even though it's hard.

00:18:47.148 --> 00:18:47.690
It is hard.

00:18:47.690 --> 00:18:48.092
It's hard.

00:18:48.092 --> 00:18:50.016
This is something that's never come up before.

00:18:50.016 --> 00:18:54.714
I know that you do this couples counseling Be on the same page with your spouse or partner.

00:18:54.714 --> 00:18:59.873
I could see that it could get bad if you're respecting the boundaries and your husband or partner is not.

00:18:59.873 --> 00:19:01.718
Do you discuss this beforehand?

00:19:01.718 --> 00:19:05.316
How might you prepare to be on the same page with your spouse or partner?

00:19:06.065 --> 00:19:07.548
Sure, I see this a lot.

00:19:07.608 --> 00:19:10.696
I see this with the kids adult kids and I see it with parents.

00:19:11.065 --> 00:19:26.046
They have different opinions about their children or their in-laws, different relationships and, when the holidays are about to come, if they can have a conversation about it and really be clear about what they need, the type of support they need from their partner, it's going to be really helpful.

00:19:26.146 --> 00:19:36.888
So, again, whether it's the parents or whether it's the children, being a united front is going to be helpful to get their message across, because usually what happens if they're not a united front?

00:19:36.888 --> 00:19:48.674
One person leaves feeling marginalized and it's a very uncomfortable situation and they're not going to want to be with you the next holiday or you're not going to want to have them the next holiday because it's just too much tension.

00:19:48.674 --> 00:20:09.750
If you're both clear about when you're feeling triggered, what are the type of things that you can foresee based on past experiences, it's a great thing to talk about beforehand and get clarity about what you need from your partner to support you, so that you also, like you're not contradicting each other, you're not doing anything that would kind of get in the way or make the other person your spouse feel bad.

00:20:10.625 --> 00:20:11.970
I think that's really a great.

00:20:11.970 --> 00:20:13.355
I think for the adult kids too.

00:20:13.355 --> 00:20:16.691
I remember with my husband and I when we used to visit his parents.

00:20:16.691 --> 00:20:26.817
I would say now, compliment me every so often or support what I say Didn't always happen, but we did try to set those ground rules, so I think that's a great idea.

00:20:27.205 --> 00:20:32.166
It's important, especially if you have a history of challenges and conflict in that relationship and holiday time.

00:20:32.748 --> 00:20:36.978
Right, Even not conflict, just not always feeling seen when you go to his house.

00:20:36.978 --> 00:20:39.036
He's the child when you go to your house.

00:20:39.036 --> 00:20:49.094
You're the child, so there's a whole different relationship going on there, and it's important to figure out how to both support your parents, but also support your partner that you're bringing home, or your husband.

00:20:49.094 --> 00:20:50.416
That's a big circle.

00:20:51.325 --> 00:20:52.186
Yeah, you want to be seen.

00:20:52.186 --> 00:20:55.835
You don't want to just be like forget about it.

00:20:55.935 --> 00:20:58.209
Here she comes again, the one who took my son.

00:20:58.209 --> 00:21:02.153
Okay, then you say this one just sent me, don't get stressed.

00:21:02.153 --> 00:21:02.835
Oh, come on.

00:21:02.835 --> 00:21:09.789
This is a very stressful time, whether they're coming for the holidays, whether they're visiting for a week in the summer with the grandkids.

00:21:09.789 --> 00:21:12.272
It's stress, it's stress, crazy stress.

00:21:12.993 --> 00:21:18.166
Yeah, it is crazy stress, but it's all dependent on our mindset.

00:21:18.166 --> 00:21:23.682
If we're going to let it bother us, if we're going to just relax and try to not control the situation.

00:21:23.682 --> 00:21:33.527
The more we try to control the outcome, the more stressful it's going to be, because everything has to be a certain way and we're not able to be flexible when things don't go that way, which usually happens.

00:21:33.527 --> 00:21:41.443
So the more that you can just do your best to be present and to just expect the unexpected, it will be a lot less of a stressful experience.

00:21:41.443 --> 00:21:44.565
The stress about them coming is going to impact your relationship too.

00:21:45.154 --> 00:21:49.684
So it's like you know, we're entertaining, we're going to have this, we're having our parents come over for the holidays.

00:21:49.684 --> 00:21:51.040
Oh, everything has to look.

00:21:51.040 --> 00:21:59.950
You know, let's say, maybe the daughter-in-law like everything has to be perfect and the house has to be clean, and then you know you get in fights with the husband and with the children and that's in the end.

00:21:59.950 --> 00:22:04.023
It might be a nice experience, but the time it takes to get there and prepare it's miserable.

00:22:04.023 --> 00:22:07.178
It's not something that people are going to look forward to on a year to year basis.

00:22:07.178 --> 00:22:10.954
If it's, if there's so much stress going into preparation for the holidays.

00:22:10.954 --> 00:22:16.883
So doing your best, not pressure yourself, that you have to impress anyone, that you have to be Martha Stewart or you know.

00:22:16.883 --> 00:22:18.384
Have this perfect table.

00:22:18.384 --> 00:22:24.191
That do the best that you can, and the main point is that everyone loves each other.

00:22:24.191 --> 00:22:32.500
Regardless of how good the meal is, how fancy the decor is, the main point is that everyone's spending time together at this time of year.

00:22:33.020 --> 00:22:33.402
You're right.

00:22:33.402 --> 00:22:40.768
I think, also for a daughter-in-law in particular, your mother-in-law could be judgmental oh my gosh, she's not using cloth napkins.

00:22:40.768 --> 00:22:43.904
Maybe all you could do was find the paper ones in the bottom drawer.

00:22:43.904 --> 00:22:45.501
But I think what you're saying makes sense.

00:22:45.501 --> 00:22:49.163
If you can let that go, it might be a better experience for everyone.

00:22:49.806 --> 00:22:49.987
Yeah.

00:22:50.275 --> 00:22:55.944
Now, these are a couple of questions that we didn't talk about before, but I want to ask you, particularly being a rabbi.

00:22:55.944 --> 00:23:03.507
We are a secular podcast and all your advice is you know, certainly across the board, but how about when your child has strayed from the family religion?

00:23:03.507 --> 00:23:12.744
Your child comes home and it is a religious holiday whether it be the high holidays for the Jews, Christmas, hanukkah, easter and you're observant.

00:23:12.744 --> 00:23:17.137
How do you deal with your child and his or her partner coming home and they're not observant?

00:23:17.739 --> 00:23:31.727
I think the main thing is to be accepting and loving, because if you want them one day to even want to come back to observance, you want to have them have a positive experience.

00:23:31.727 --> 00:23:38.426
So the main thing is just not to force anything on them, just invite them to have them there sharing the holiday with you.

00:23:38.426 --> 00:23:43.655
That's the main thing.

00:23:43.655 --> 00:23:45.019
Giving them that unconditional love, no judgment.

00:23:45.019 --> 00:23:46.162
That's going to be the best way to have the holiday.

00:23:46.162 --> 00:23:49.557
Now, look, it depends on the religion and the customs and the laws.

00:23:49.557 --> 00:23:59.066
Some things can become more, I would say, tricky, depending, but I think for most people I mean, we have laws in terms of you're not supposed to drive on the Sabbath.

00:23:59.226 --> 00:23:59.988
Oh, right right.

00:24:00.976 --> 00:24:06.067
But now I would say in terms of for Christians, I don't think things like that wouldn't be an issue.

00:24:06.067 --> 00:24:19.547
So maybe they're not going to church with you, but you can still have them over and have a meal with them and celebrate the holiday regardless and not try to impose anything on them or make them feel bad because they're not on the same level as you of observance.

00:24:20.169 --> 00:24:23.404
Yeah, and all of that's very hard, particularly for a very observant family.

00:24:23.404 --> 00:24:28.742
How do you prepare for an adult child bringing home, someone they're introducing to you for the first time?

00:24:29.884 --> 00:24:30.946
How do you prepare as parents?

00:24:31.326 --> 00:24:32.108
Yeah, as parents.

00:24:32.690 --> 00:24:39.842
Yeah, I mean it's a little bit nerve wracking because you don't know, You've never met them before, maybe you've heard about them, but it's a little bit nerve-wracking.

00:24:39.842 --> 00:24:49.990
The main thing is just, uh, bite your, you know bite your tongue don't say anything, be friendly, ask questions, but not be too nosy.

00:24:50.731 --> 00:24:59.240
Just try to be warm and try to be relaxed as much as possible and also to tell yourself that all because they brought them home doesn't mean that they're going to get married tomorrow.

00:24:59.240 --> 00:25:00.682
So it could be.

00:25:00.682 --> 00:25:11.246
This person is not going to be the one that they have a long-term relationship with, so don't get too anxious right away, but just do your best to be cordial, like you would any guests that you would have in your house.

00:25:12.276 --> 00:25:13.839
All of this takes a lot of self-control.

00:25:13.839 --> 00:25:14.923
What about sharing a room?

00:25:14.923 --> 00:25:15.645
When they come home?

00:25:15.645 --> 00:25:19.705
Do you instill your values or do you let them make their decision?

00:25:20.335 --> 00:25:26.823
That really depends on where you're coming from and what you feel is appropriate, and also it depends on if you have other people in the house.

00:25:27.625 --> 00:25:28.307
Yeah, I guess that's true.

00:25:28.454 --> 00:25:37.082
If you have younger kids or something that you don't want them to see, that If it's just you and your spouse and it doesn't bother you, and then that's a different story.

00:25:37.082 --> 00:25:47.083
But if you have, it always becomes more complicated when you have impressionable little ones that you don't necessarily want to say.

00:25:47.083 --> 00:25:48.707
Set a certain example for.

00:25:49.355 --> 00:25:53.603
Or the parents' parents, the more you know it's a whole different world now.

00:25:53.603 --> 00:25:57.605
Let's say my daughter was coming home and my mother was here.

00:25:57.605 --> 00:25:58.487
Do you know what I mean?

00:25:58.487 --> 00:26:00.921
Let's say my daughter was coming home and my mother was here.

00:26:00.921 --> 00:26:01.423
Do you know what I mean?

00:26:01.423 --> 00:26:01.844
So three generations.

00:26:01.844 --> 00:26:04.112
My mother might have a cow and I have to respect how she would feel.

00:26:04.112 --> 00:26:04.914
Does that make sense?

00:26:05.195 --> 00:26:15.066
yeah, so so it's about being respect, understanding where everyone's coming from, who's who's in play there, who's who's going to be at your house, and then trying to find creative solutions.

00:26:15.066 --> 00:26:22.308
So you know, maybe the neighbor has a guest room, you and trying to tell your child, even though the child's going to maybe have a harder time.

00:26:22.308 --> 00:26:24.303
But look, my mother's here.

00:26:24.303 --> 00:26:25.881
It's really uncomfortable for her.

00:26:25.881 --> 00:26:33.781
We want your boyfriend to feel comfortable here, but it just wouldn't be appropriate for my mother.

00:26:33.781 --> 00:26:40.781
Let's try to find a way that we can give him accommodations nearby so that you can spend time together but just can sleep somewhere else, for example.

00:26:41.383 --> 00:26:42.105
Right, good idea.

00:26:42.105 --> 00:26:46.446
Okay, so you're a relationship therapist and I read a little bit about your, is it?

00:26:46.446 --> 00:26:47.411
Imago Am?

00:26:47.632 --> 00:26:48.454
I saying that right.

00:26:49.517 --> 00:26:54.607
And so I'm sure you have a few tools, and I feel like any relationship is a relationship.

00:26:54.607 --> 00:27:01.381
Some of the tools that you share with husband and wife to get along can be used when you're dealing with your adult children.

00:27:01.381 --> 00:27:08.223
So what are some of the ways to respond in a non-judgmental way when you're chatting with your adult child?

00:27:08.223 --> 00:27:12.905
Your adult child says something you don't quite agree with or you think is an alarm.

00:27:12.905 --> 00:27:15.073
What might be a good way to respond?

00:27:15.073 --> 00:27:18.863
Give us a few talking points that parents might use while their kids are visiting.

00:27:19.564 --> 00:27:22.972
Sure, one thing that's really helpful is to learn how to listen.

00:27:22.972 --> 00:27:27.002
We definitely have opinions that might be different than our children.

00:27:27.002 --> 00:27:33.130
Our first instinct is to react, to respond, maybe to judge, and that's going to turn our kids off and push them away.

00:27:33.130 --> 00:27:39.744
So, even before you even suggest anything or ask questions, we have couples and or children.

00:27:39.744 --> 00:27:44.564
Parents and children teach them how to mirror, and that means to repeat back what the other person says.

00:27:44.564 --> 00:27:45.980
Now, obviously you want to do it in a way.

00:27:46.174 --> 00:27:52.666
In this case this feels a little bit more natural because they're going to think you're trying to do some type of technique on them, but don't respond.

00:27:52.666 --> 00:27:53.888
They'll say something.

00:27:53.888 --> 00:27:56.558
You'll just say oh, it sounds like you're just kind of paraphrased.

00:27:56.558 --> 00:27:57.681
It sounds like you're just kind of paraphrase.

00:27:57.681 --> 00:27:59.463
It sounds like you want to, without interpreting.

00:27:59.463 --> 00:28:07.977
Sounds like you really want to have your boyfriend come home for to our house for two weeks.

00:28:07.977 --> 00:28:08.659
You gotta tell me more about that.

00:28:08.679 --> 00:28:13.115
Then just let them talk and just kind of get curious instead of being judgmental, and let them share what's what's going on.

00:28:13.115 --> 00:28:22.269
And then at some point, if, if you are feeling, if you want to share your opinion, or if they're asking, you could say like are you asking for my opinion or you just want to be heard.

00:28:22.269 --> 00:28:31.468
And if they're asking for your opinion, you say, well, here's what I think and you can share it in a kind way and just say, well, you know, from my perspective, it makes sense why you would validate them.

00:28:31.468 --> 00:28:43.150
It makes sense why you would want to do X, y and Z and really would like to be able to do that for you, and because of our circumstances it's not going to be possible to do this.

00:28:43.150 --> 00:28:44.315
Let's find a way together to make this work.

00:28:44.315 --> 00:28:48.451
So you're trying to join them together as opposed to being against them.

00:28:48.451 --> 00:28:55.038
But it's really important just to be in touch with your reactivity, because if you're coming from a place of reactivity, it's not a good time to say anything.

00:28:56.000 --> 00:28:56.521
That's true.

00:28:56.521 --> 00:29:03.882
Sometimes, when your adult child comes home and they live far away it's your first opportunity to say how are you doing at your job?

00:29:03.882 --> 00:29:04.443
What are you doing?

00:29:04.443 --> 00:29:06.963
How do you learn about those things from them?

00:29:06.963 --> 00:29:11.727
Maybe you're worried about some of the career choices they're making or their living choices.

00:29:11.727 --> 00:29:14.564
You don't want to jump on them as soon as they walk in the door.

00:29:14.564 --> 00:29:22.199
How do you gradually bring that kind of stuff up, Because it's your face time to be able to talk about some real things.

00:29:22.919 --> 00:29:23.920
Sure, that makes sense.

00:29:23.920 --> 00:29:27.260
You want to know what's going on, but you want to ask them right away.

00:29:27.260 --> 00:29:32.663
You have to ask yourself how much of it's, how much of this, is coming from my anxiety.

00:29:32.663 --> 00:29:35.665
If you're feeling anxious, I need to find this information.

00:29:35.665 --> 00:29:39.807
They will pick up on it and they will feel the anxiety and they will either shut down or they will get reactive.

00:29:39.807 --> 00:29:41.528
They might not be vulnerable.

00:29:42.048 --> 00:29:46.330
The most important thing is just to be in relationship with them when they come home.

00:29:46.330 --> 00:29:49.413
Give them a hug, give them something to eat, take care of them.

00:29:49.413 --> 00:30:02.643
You know, maybe spend some time with them, have some fun with them, just ease in and let them do the talking.

00:30:02.643 --> 00:30:03.244
Let them open up and share it.

00:30:03.244 --> 00:30:03.626
How are you doing?

00:30:03.626 --> 00:30:04.048
How was your flight?

00:30:04.067 --> 00:30:05.152
Make small talk, don't talk about anything too heavy.

00:30:05.152 --> 00:30:18.683
Just let yourselves get reacquainted and connect and then, as the time that they're staying with you progresses, you can gradually bring up these things, maybe go for a walk or share something you're concerned about, but for sure it's not something I would do right away.

00:30:18.683 --> 00:30:22.421

Home for the Holidays: Navigating the Joys and Challenges of Being Together

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