Season 3, Episode 80 - Listener Questions

Transcript

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The kid might approach you and have that talk with you and you have to be as the parent.

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Even you might be thinking I did everything for you, kid, why are you complaining?

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You, as the parent, have to be able to stop and say to yourself they need to go through this and I need to take ownership for my part of whatever happened when we were kids Didn't handle the divorce very well, had an affair, whatever it is.

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You have to take ownership of that and that will help heal a lot of this.

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Hello everyone.

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Welcome to Bite your Tongue the podcast.

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I'm Denise.

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And I'm Kirsten, and we hope you will join us as we explore the ins and outs of building healthy relationships with our adult children.

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Together.

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We'll speak with experts, share heartfelt stories and get timely advice addressing topics that matter most to you.

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Get ready to dive deep and learn to build and nurture deep connections with our adult children and, of course, when, to bite our tongues.

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So let's get started.

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Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of Bite your Tongue, the podcast.

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I'm Denise and I'm here with my co-host, kirsten Heckendorf.

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This, listeners, is our last episode of season three and we promised you we'd take all the questions we've been getting for the last few months and have an entire episode filled with questions and professional answers.

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So here we go For this episode.

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We are bringing back listeners favorite Tess Brigham.

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She's a licensed psychotherapist, certified coach, tedx speaker, mom to Gen Zer, podcast host, author of True you a step-by-step guide to conquering your quarter life crisis, and creator of the True you coaching course series.

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In a recent article from CNBC, tess says over a decade ago, when I first became a therapist, I never expected that five years later, my practice would consist of nearly 90% millennials, with the rest of my patients being the parents of millennials.

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So she's got both sides of the story for us.

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Tess has been featured in major media throughout the US, from the New York Times to O Magazine, and we are so excited to have her with us today.

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So welcome, tess.

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And is there anything else you would like to share before we get started?

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No, that's plenty about me Thank you so much for having me back.

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I'm thrilled and I'm very excited.

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Well, we're thrilled to have you All right.

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here we go, guys.

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Kirsten and I will read the questions when they were emailed to us and otherwise we'll press.

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So you can literally hear one of the listeners ask the question.

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I'm going to start with the first one, tess, and our listener wrote my youngest adult child is 48 and I do have grandchildren.

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My husband passed away two years ago and I've worked really hard at the grief process, but I feel very lonely.

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I feel that I don't have the same relationship with my children that I had earlier, especially special times during the year, such as Christmas, easter and Thanksgiving.

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Often they just go their own way and don't think of me.

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When my father died, my siblings and I made sure he was taken care of on those special days.

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I was just wondering if this issue has ever been addressed.

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And also, are the children today just like this, and should I accept it?

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And also, are the children today just like this and should I accept it?

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So I have many thoughts.

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Just to answer the last part, first that it's a couple different things.

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Some of it is that the world is so different now and the expectations of how what we do for our parents has changed.

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You know, our society in general has changed in that idea and at the same time there is also this universal place of we tend to not think about where somebody else is in their life when we're asking things of them.

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So this I hear all the time with and I don't know this woman's particular situation with the kids, like who's working, who's not working.

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But I hear all the time with and I don't know that her this woman's particular situation with the kids, like who's working, who's not working.

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But I hear this when older adults, they feel unheard and upset because they feel like their kids don't have time for them.

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And I think a lot of times it's really about both sides stopping for a moment and thinking about the other person and what the other person might need.

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A lot of times parents may think, oh, my kid's not thinking about me at all, they don't have time for me, they don't care about me, and that might not be the case.

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The case might be that they truly, truly don't have any time.

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They don't have any time.

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The idea of having one more phone call that day after a huge, long day of dealing with people and then dealing with their kids, and you finally get your kid to bed.

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Yeah, so it's.

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You know, not everyone wants to pick up the phone and call their parents.

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But then what happens is is that each day these times it gets to be more and more upsetting and overwhelming for the parent because they feel so ignored, while the kid is thinking nothing of it, like, oh, but I think about my mom and dad all the time.

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I think about them.

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It's not such a big deal.

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So the first part of it is really about and I'm going to say this a lot today which is about taking a step back and asking yourself the question of okay, so what's within my control?

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Like, what's my part in all of this?

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So to this woman I'm with you.

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I think you should have a place to go for these holidays, that it would be nice in an ideal world if your kids were absolutely thinking about you and thinking about you in that way.

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Why they're not thinking about you in that way, I wouldn't analyze that so much.

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I think that's where people get stuck and what you really need to be doing is saying, hi, I have no plans for Easter.

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What are you all doing?

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I would like to come?

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Or who's hosting?

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I'll do Christmas this year, but you can do Christmas next year.

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Just being direct, like really just telling your kids this is what I need from you.

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This is what's happening right now, and then also being able to take in what your kids are saying to you too, of you know what.

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It's a lot for us to try to drive here and do this.

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This is why we're not reaching out and understanding that and then figuring out okay, what can I do to make that easier for them?

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So much of this is you're talking about.

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Most of these kids, I would assume from these parents, are those sandwich kids, and I'm one of those sandwich kids myself.

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I have a 16-year-old at home and I have two 80-year-old parents and the thing is is that I love and adore my mom.

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I'm sure she wants me to call her more.

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It's not that I don't call her because I don't care.

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It's simply because I just don't have the time or bandwidth and I don't have the.

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I just don't have as much time as she does to think about these things, so I'm not thinking about them so much.

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Can I ask a question to add to this?

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I love what you said about think about what would make it easier for them.

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I think one thing that sometimes we don't realize is that our kids, particularly if they're married, are managing two sides of the in-laws.

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Do you know what I mean?

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They can't always be with you.

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So possibly a call that says I don't know what you're doing at Easter?

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I know you might be going to your husband's house, your wife's house, but I'd love to see you.

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Maybe we can have our own Easter at my house a week before.

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You can figure out ways, I think, to work around this.

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But I loved what you said.

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We do have to make their life easier.

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They're the ones with the young kids, they're the ones with the jobs, they're the ones that are managing this young part of life.

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Maybe you start with that question yeah, I do feel left out, but I don't want this to be difficult for you and then order Chinese food and binge a good movie.

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Yes, exactly, and it doesn't have to be.

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I think a lot of times we get stuck in the traditions of our childhood and this is what we did in our family.

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Like what this caller was saying was that in my family we made sure mom did this and again, that was your family, that this is your building and your children are building their own families.

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So it's about you figuring out.

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Okay, maybe they won't physically be here on Easter Sunday, but how do I have a thing that happens at my house every year two weeks after Easter when things have died down a little?

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bit Right.

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Yeah, all right, let's get to.

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We're going to play our next message.

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Hi there, I love your podcast.

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I have a little situation I could use some advice on.

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I am separated by my kids and beloved grandkids not only by an ocean but several time zones, and I find myself feeling very disconnected.

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I try hard to stay in touch without being too intrusive, and I'm lucky that they do visit every summer for a week or two.

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My daughter tells me this is way more than what her friends are able to do, so I'm grateful, but again I want more.

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I don't want to be intrusive, but I'm not sure quite how to handle it.

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Any thoughts?

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So go ahead, Tess.

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Yeah, another really hard one, especially if they're living in another country.

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An ocean is dividing us, and so it isn't as simple.

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Again, I think that it comes back to you thinking about well, what is it that I want?

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What kind of relationship do I want to have with my children, with my child, especially since they live in a foreign country?

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What does this look like to me?

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And I think that a lot of times, people attach the belief that visiting is sort of the only way that you can stay connected to people and is the only way right.

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So, instead of focusing so much on the amount of days that you're spending together, and again, if you'd like to spend more time with your kids, if you'd like more of that, then, just like I was saying in the last question, a lot of it is about, okay, telling them I'd like to see you more, or if you can't come here, that's not feasible what needs to happen for me to go there?

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The other part of it, too, is how do you stay connected, finding other ways to stay connected.

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It's as simple as asking your kid hey, I know we can't see each other physically every day or all the time.

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How can we stay more connected.

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Does this mean that we play words with friends?

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Does this mean and we message each other back and forth?

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Does this mean that, especially with your grandkids?

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If you feel very disconnected with them, what are they into?

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What are they interested in?

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What's something that I can share with them?

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Maybe it's playing a game With technology and everything.

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You can do a lot of those things, Even if you're someone who's like technology.

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I don't really want to do any of those things that writing letters, even just writing notes to especially your grandkids, that they can save and have, or sending them special things, or sending them things that are meaningful and important to you.

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Really, we build relationships through time and through investment.

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I would try to push yourself to think beyond physically being in the same room and figuring out how do we stay connected.

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There are some people that see their parents all the time and call them constantly, and then there's other people that barely talk to their parents Like that.

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You're always going to get a variety of that.

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I would just keep all that noise outside of your head.

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Don't worry about that and really focus on first what do you want, what makes sense to you, and then what does that look like?

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How do I translate that?

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And again, your kids, I'm sure, are really, really busy, so you want to find things that aren't going to require more work for them.

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When you said something meaningful.

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I love what you said.

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So, really, grandma could send a scarf yes, this is one of my favorite scarves, right and she could say I can't be with you all the time, but here's something that, when you see it, you can think of me, because I've used to wear this.

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When you say a meaningful thing to send, it doesn't have to be a new toy from the store or something.

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It can be a tchotchke that she has at home that's meaningful to her or him.

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If it's a grandfather, is that?

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what you're saying?

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Yeah, absolutely.

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It doesn't have to be always sending them money or sending them those kinds of things.

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It could be something that you have writing stories, I mean depending on the age of your kid.

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There's right at when we're kids, we want to know different things about our parents, depending, again, it's the age of the child.

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But telling them funny stories about their parents or telling them about themselves or where I was in my life at this time, sometimes it could be just as simple as texting someone thinking of you.

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No need to reach back out thinking of you, because we do take in all these things.

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We've all been that person where we did not have the time or energy or bandwidth to invest in that other person, but that person stayed invested in us.

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Even though you may not be hearing from them, they appreciate it, they do.

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You just aren't going to get that validation or feedback right away.

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It's parenting.

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Parenting means you never, ever, get any kind of thank you appreciation right in the moment.

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40 years later, you might get a thank you, but in the moment, never.

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You don't want to make them feel guilty, right?

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Yeah, yeah.

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Yeah, that's a big one.

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Is the guilt and being mindful of how are you phrasing things?

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Like I never hear from you, or as opposed to something like hey, thinking of you when you have a moment, love to hear from you, if not just thinking of you, right?

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No pressure, no guilt, and that's what people respond to.

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They will call you.

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I think you're right.

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This next question did come in as an audio message, but we thought we would read it to make sure it was very clear for everybody.

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How do you handle your relationships with your adult children when you are going through a divorce?

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And how about when your young adult child goes through divorce?

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How do you handle your relationship with your daughter or son-in-law?

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You're feeling as a failure, providing support to them, and then, of course, the grandchildren Okay, feeling as a failure, providing support to them.

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And then, of course, the grandchildren.

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Okay, so if you yourself, as the parent, are going through a divorce, I would treat it the same way you would treat if your kids were 10, 11, 12.

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Obviously, you're going to use different language and obviously it's going to impact them differently.

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The biggest one, and the mistake that I see a lot of parents make, is they see their kids.

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They're adults and then they start treating them like an adult friend who you would go to and talk about the divorce constantly, and I've seen a lot of parents do this.

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They don't necessarily mean to, but it happens.

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They see their kids.

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They're like oh, they're an adult, they can handle all these things.

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They can hear about how dad had an affair, or they can hear about this, or they can hear about that.

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My recommendation would be you want to be open and honest with your kids.

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You want your kids to understand what's going on Nothing to do with you, we're still in your life, right?

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Even though that may seem a little weird to say to a 30-year-old but you want to maintain that same position of not putting your kids in the middle, not criticizing the other parent.

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Those same ideas, those same things that are talked about when people get divorced, when their kids are little.

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Exact same for adults.

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Exact same.

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The language might be different, but if you need to talk to someone about the divorce, you need to go to a therapist.

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Talk to a friend.

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Your kids are not your friends, they're just not.

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And so the flip side of it is, if your child is getting a divorce, I would not say anything.

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I would really be there, as how can I help you?

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How can I help you?

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What help do you need from me?

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How can I pick up some slack?

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How can I help you with these things?

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The son-in-law, daughter-in-law they're going to be in your life for the rest of your life too, because you have grandkids.

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So again, what do you need from me?

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How can you help?

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You're not taking sides, you're not getting involved.

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If your child wants to sit down and talk to you for a while, I would talk to them and take it in and be a sounding board and then, if they're kind of pressing you wanting help, advice, I would recommend you know what I really recommend you go talk to someone, see a therapist, and maybe your way of helping is researching.

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Hey, these are three coaches that I found in our area that specialize in divorce.

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So here you go.

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I'm happy to pay for the first 10 sessions, or five sessions or whatever it is Like.

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How can you be of service?

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You want to stay in your role as a parent, to be there to support, to help, but you're not the therapist.

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You don't want to get involved.

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There's going to be nothing good is going to come of you getting involved in your child's marriage.

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Sounds perfect.

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The other thing that makes it difficult, I think, is that as your kids get older, they also have opinions.

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Let's say, if I were divorcing from my husband, I know my kids are going to have comments about it, and so the not responding to that is very difficult, whether they're agreeing with me or they're not.

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To not have that conversation when it's right in front of you is learning how to say this is not something for you and I to talk about.

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If you're struggling with this, I can make some suggestions on some people you might want to talk to.

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Yeah, yeah, absolutely Okay.

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So I'm going to read the next one.

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This message actually just came in yesterday.

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A listener wrote that her adult son, who is 33, is in a very unhealthy marriage for the last two years.

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Things are so bad that he sometimes does retreat and come to her house.

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He's printed up divorce papers and wants to move forward, but every time he gets ready to do it he gets sucked back in and feels badly.

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She thinks he's too kind and is being taken advantage of.

00:17:24.473 --> 00:17:29.464
I'm constantly worried about him, she says, but he does not want to talk about it.

00:17:32.128 --> 00:17:35.513
So none of these are softballs at all.

00:17:35.513 --> 00:17:40.349
Not one of these questions I would really start with.

00:17:40.349 --> 00:17:43.884
It's always hard when you don't have all the context, because I would want to know.

00:17:43.884 --> 00:17:48.614
The follow-up question would be is it really upsetting to her each time he comes home?

00:17:48.614 --> 00:17:49.805
Does it disrupt her life?

00:17:49.805 --> 00:17:51.683
Is it like I stop my whole life?

00:17:51.683 --> 00:17:59.048
He comes in, I become his therapist for two weeks and then the cycle continues, because that's a different frustration.

00:17:59.279 --> 00:18:01.990
Again, you don't want to get involved in your child's relationship.

00:18:01.990 --> 00:18:06.297
It's not your place to say don't want to get involved in your child's relationship.

00:18:06.297 --> 00:18:31.550
It's not your place to say but if he is coming into your home often, like several times a year, and disrupting your life and disrupting everything and sort of, you know you're doing all these things for him, or going out of your way and researching things and doing things, and then he's falling right back in, you do have the right to say to your child hey, I know you're going through a lot I can't imagine, but I can't have you as a guest each time.

00:18:31.550 --> 00:18:58.797
And or, if you the next time he wants to come back, hey, I need to set some boundaries with you about how long you're going to stay, or what I'm going to do for you, or what this looks like, what the expectations are, because in some ways whether she doesn't mean to be, but by her sort of opening up her house every time, she's kind of enabling this behavior to keep coming and coming, like I do wonder if he didn't have mom to go home to and chill out to, would he make a different choice?

00:18:58.797 --> 00:19:00.621
And that's kind of what you want to push him on.

00:19:00.621 --> 00:19:04.527
It's like what would happen if you had to make a different choice in all of these things.

00:19:05.067 --> 00:19:13.673
The other thing I would say is, yes, you don't want to be his therapist, but you could have some what they call motivational interviewing questions.

00:19:13.673 --> 00:19:18.756
It's used a lot in drug and alcohol treatment, which is you're not telling someone like you should stop drinking.

00:19:18.756 --> 00:19:21.084
It's asking questions around.

00:19:21.084 --> 00:19:24.915
Well, what would it look like for you if you got sober?

00:19:24.915 --> 00:19:26.840
What's your greatest fear?

00:19:26.840 --> 00:19:27.903
What's your resistance?

00:19:28.284 --> 00:19:32.252
I may be starting to ask him questions, like I've noticed a pattern.

00:19:32.252 --> 00:19:36.351
What would it be like for you if you didn't return?

00:19:36.351 --> 00:19:37.474
What would that be like?

00:19:37.474 --> 00:19:53.604
Just sort of maybe getting him a little bit to ask himself these questions, but if he keeps showing up at your house, keeps disturbing your life, keeps asking and demanding a lot of you and then turns around and continues to do the behavior.

00:19:53.604 --> 00:19:55.387
You can't change that.

00:19:55.387 --> 00:20:00.472
All you can do is take yourself out of the equation, and you can do that in a very kind and loving way.

00:20:00.472 --> 00:20:04.404
It doesn't mean you say he can't stay with you, just like when kids return home.

00:20:04.404 --> 00:20:07.432
You don't want to make it too comfortable for them, you just don't.

00:20:07.432 --> 00:20:10.547
And it sounds like this has become a comfortable pattern.

00:20:12.372 --> 00:20:13.493
I just wonder about this.

00:20:13.493 --> 00:20:15.097
Can you offer it?

00:20:15.097 --> 00:20:18.773
Say you keep moving to filing for divorce, but you seem to stop.

00:20:18.773 --> 00:20:26.201
If you do that and you'd like to stay here for a bit until you get yourself settled, I'm happy for you to come when that happens.

00:20:26.201 --> 00:20:28.550
But this back and forth is not going to work.

00:20:28.550 --> 00:20:29.031
Can?

00:20:29.031 --> 00:20:31.798
You offer a safe place when he does file.

00:20:31.798 --> 00:20:32.759
Is that okay?

00:20:33.060 --> 00:20:33.781
Yeah, oh yeah.

00:20:33.781 --> 00:20:34.443
That's beautiful.

00:20:34.443 --> 00:20:35.634
That is one way of saying it.

00:20:35.634 --> 00:20:48.777
You've seen two of this has happened several times and you can say I can't be your stopping ground for this, but if you need a stable place once you file for your, for you and the kids, yes, I think so much of this is about.

00:20:48.777 --> 00:20:49.980
How is this impacting you?

00:20:49.980 --> 00:20:51.583
What needs to change for you?

00:20:51.583 --> 00:20:55.657
The worried part, I mean that is parenting.

00:20:55.657 --> 00:20:56.740
I don't know what else to say.

00:20:56.740 --> 00:21:02.551
I say this to my young adult clients all the time your parents are just going to worry in one, they're just going to worry.

00:21:02.551 --> 00:21:04.036
That's just how it is.

00:21:04.036 --> 00:21:08.048
For her, I would say how do you focus on worrying?

00:21:08.048 --> 00:21:10.953
You're going to worry, but how do you then manage your anxiety?

00:21:10.953 --> 00:21:12.396
How do you manage that stress?

00:21:12.396 --> 00:21:14.721
Because that's a whole nother topic.

00:21:15.061 --> 00:21:16.825
You can't take in all the stress for your son.

00:21:16.825 --> 00:21:18.717
Yeah, and yet we do.

00:21:19.137 --> 00:21:27.701
Yes, my son and his wife have three children, with a fourth on the way.

00:21:27.701 --> 00:21:29.724
We don't see them very often.

00:21:29.724 --> 00:21:34.297
They never come to visit and we live about an hour and a half away.

00:21:34.297 --> 00:21:40.693
My daughter-in-law is angry because she had postpartum with her second.

00:21:40.693 --> 00:21:43.621
I tried to go up and babysit the children.

00:21:43.621 --> 00:21:51.763
As I quote my son, we need to have a relationship with them before we can have a relationship with our grandchildren.

00:21:51.763 --> 00:21:56.077
I am just so distraught over what's going on.

00:21:56.077 --> 00:21:57.019
I call.

00:21:57.019 --> 00:21:58.241
They don't answer.

00:21:58.241 --> 00:22:03.200
I text her she doesn't respond, or it takes days to respond.

00:22:06.790 --> 00:22:07.112
Okay.

00:22:07.112 --> 00:22:13.951
So there are some sections of this that I believe have been left out, so I'm just going to infer a few things.

00:22:13.951 --> 00:22:20.355
It sounds like that there's some kind of disconnect between mom and daughter-in-law.

00:22:20.355 --> 00:22:21.036
At first.

00:22:21.036 --> 00:22:44.070
Maybe it's about you having a conversation with your son and saying okay, I want to be of help, I want to be of service.

00:22:44.070 --> 00:22:47.097
We are so close to you, we're only an hour away.

00:22:47.097 --> 00:22:48.842
What do I need to do?

00:22:48.842 --> 00:22:50.030
What is it that's needed?

00:22:50.030 --> 00:22:51.211
What needs to happen?

00:22:51.752 --> 00:22:59.765
And hey, it may be that you might be having to sit down and apologize to your daughter-in-law, something might have happened, I don't know.

00:22:59.765 --> 00:23:03.317
But I would really urge you to figure out.

00:23:03.317 --> 00:23:12.442
What do you need from me in order for us to move forward, because I want to have a good relationship with both of you and with my grandchildren.

00:23:12.442 --> 00:23:18.996
The thing is, she doesn't have to like her daughter-in-law, they don't have to get along, they don't have to even spend any time together.

00:23:18.996 --> 00:23:37.317
It's really about figuring out and either from your son or from your daughter-in-law what's the help and support that they need from you, what needs to happen in order for you to see the grandchildren more and then again, just like what I said, with the person that's got the child out of the country.

00:23:37.317 --> 00:23:47.771
I know it's an hour and a half and that might it just might be that it's a lot with three kids and one on the way for your, for them to just have anybody over at their house or to have any.

00:23:47.771 --> 00:23:48.913
You know any of that.

00:23:48.913 --> 00:23:54.942
Maybe it's about texting the grandkids or letting them know here how can I help you.

00:23:54.942 --> 00:24:01.999
Or here's the scarf you can still do all of these things even though you're an hour and a half away.

00:24:02.519 --> 00:24:09.549
Again, we keep thinking that visiting and physically being in the same room is the end-all, be-all of a relationship and it's not.

00:24:09.549 --> 00:24:14.260
And right now, especially with it sounds like these kids are all really small.

00:24:14.260 --> 00:24:15.182
That's hard.

00:24:15.182 --> 00:24:16.232
Also, trust that at some point these kids are going really small.

00:24:16.232 --> 00:24:16.351
That's hard.

00:24:16.351 --> 00:24:21.205
Also, trust that at some point these kids are going to become school age and it will get a lot easier for them.

00:24:21.205 --> 00:24:28.636
They might be coming to your house more often, but right now, with the kids, the age they are, it's just some of it's just recognizing that.

00:24:28.636 --> 00:24:30.261
This is the extent of the relationship.

00:24:30.261 --> 00:24:32.416
I think that's that's good advice.

00:24:32.990 --> 00:24:34.333
They also eventually too.

00:24:34.333 --> 00:24:37.942
Things like hey, so-and-so is playing soccer on Saturday.

00:24:37.942 --> 00:24:42.401
You want to come up, because that way they're not going directly to the house.

00:24:42.401 --> 00:24:52.320
There's no entertaining that needs to happen in the house with the little kids, so come to the soccer field or the park or whatever kind of other activities.

00:24:52.320 --> 00:24:53.304
Yeah, that's good too.

00:24:53.910 --> 00:24:57.878
It seems like a lot of these questions have a little bit of a theme, but go ahead, yes they do.

00:24:57.878 --> 00:24:58.319
Exactly.

00:24:58.401 --> 00:24:59.703
All these questions have a theme.

00:24:59.703 --> 00:25:00.750
I will tell you they do.

00:25:00.830 --> 00:25:01.694
Here's another one.

00:25:01.694 --> 00:25:09.182
So the question is I know that there are boomers with millennial children who are being ignored and not allowed to see the grandkids.

00:25:09.182 --> 00:25:12.133
How are others handling this situation?

00:25:13.095 --> 00:25:15.098
That sounds maybe a bit more of estrangement.

00:25:15.240 --> 00:25:21.862
Yeah, it goes back to, you know, when I was mentioning in the beginning of the show about how things have changed a lot.

00:25:21.862 --> 00:25:29.613
Once upon a time in our society, it was about family obligation and take care of your parents, and this is the requirement.

00:25:29.613 --> 00:25:38.020
And our society is really ebbed and flowed and moved and a lot of different directions where people are focusing a lot more on what's going to make me happy.

00:25:38.020 --> 00:25:41.900
I think that it's funny because the boomers kind of started a lot of this.

00:25:41.900 --> 00:25:45.299
The boomers wanted more of that happiness, right.

00:25:45.299 --> 00:25:52.229
And millennials they're right there too, about this idea of spending time and energy.

00:25:52.229 --> 00:25:57.102
And how much time and energy do you put towards these kinds of relationships?

00:25:57.102 --> 00:26:04.051
So, with this particular case, there's two big reasons that I hear why kids and parents are disconnected.

00:26:04.051 --> 00:26:12.358
The first one is all the things that we've been talking about time, different stage of your life, the difficulty of things of just not having the bandwidth.

00:26:12.358 --> 00:26:26.179
The other one is and again, I don't know the full story, but there are a lot of kids that feel like I didn't get my needs met and I didn't get my needs met, or I feel like there were things that were hurtful and they're pulling back a little bit.

00:26:26.179 --> 00:26:32.939
That's one of those cases where, again, as the parent, your kid is going through stages.

00:26:32.939 --> 00:26:35.423
Right, they work with a lot of 20-somethings.

00:26:35.423 --> 00:26:53.163
I do know that in your 20s you're spending a lot of time trying to figure a lot of stuff out about yourself and stuff that happened with your parents and maybe if they got divorced, if there was a step-parent, if there was an issue with something this is when they finally have adult brains to really understand it.

00:26:53.690 --> 00:27:00.804
So there might be that level of a bit of an estrangement because they're processing or trying to figure out how they feel about you.

00:27:00.804 --> 00:27:09.152
They're not necessarily angry, they're not going to push you away necessarily, but right now, for whatever reason, they feel like they need to have more time to themselves.

00:27:09.152 --> 00:27:19.165
So you, as the parent, you want to make interacting with you easy, pleasant, simple and no guilt.

00:27:19.165 --> 00:27:26.394
So think about how am I interacting with my kids If it's an estrangement issue and you're being pushed out completely?

00:27:26.394 --> 00:27:32.433
That's a huge, huge topic and that's one where you do need to absolutely speak to someone, read a book.

00:27:32.433 --> 00:27:38.538
That's a whole other ball of wax If this is one where you just feel like I used to be really close to my kid and I'm not so close anymore.

00:27:39.058 --> 00:27:56.805
Again, it's thinking through a little bit about, okay, where are they at in their lives, what's been going on, what might be happening, and then, okay, I'm going to empathize with them and see them where they're at, then going back to them and just saying, hey, I know you may be going through a lot, or I'm here whenever you're ready to talk.

00:27:56.805 --> 00:28:00.068
All you can do is be open for it and your kid might listen.

00:28:00.068 --> 00:28:04.479
Your kid might approach you and have that talk with you and you have to be as the parent.

00:28:04.479 --> 00:28:08.160
Even you might be thinking I did everything for you, kid, why are you complaining?

00:28:08.160 --> 00:28:21.421
You, as the parent, have to be able to stop and say to yourself they need to go through this and I need to take ownership, for my part, of whatever happened when we were kids, didn't handle the divorce very well, had an affair, whatever it is.

00:28:21.421 --> 00:28:24.920
You have to take ownership of that and that will help heal a lot of this.

00:28:26.130 --> 00:28:27.395
Take the high road is what you're saying.

00:28:27.690 --> 00:28:33.959
Yes, even if you may not get back what you want from your kids and you may not feel like I need to take all the brunt, like they're blaming me.

00:28:33.959 --> 00:28:37.042
Dad and I got divorced and now you're all coming to me and blaming me.

00:28:37.042 --> 00:28:40.294
But your kids coming to you because they feel safe enough to come to you.

00:28:40.294 --> 00:28:41.779
That's also big too.

00:28:41.779 --> 00:28:42.522
Kids.

00:28:42.522 --> 00:28:50.090
They're hardest on their moms and they're hardest on their moms when they feel safe with mom because they know mom will take it and you know keep loving them.

00:28:50.090 --> 00:28:56.738
So that's part of this unconditional which is to keep showing up and say okay, you're mad at me and I still love you.

00:28:57.699 --> 00:29:04.047
It's hard, yeah, very hard, because we get this estrangement kind of concept often.

00:29:04.047 --> 00:29:12.973
I'm curious if in your practice you're seeing more of it now than maybe when you first were practicing.

00:29:14.298 --> 00:29:15.422
I don't know, I don't see.

00:29:15.422 --> 00:29:17.607
I don't necessarily see more of it.

00:29:17.607 --> 00:29:21.398
I know some people that do specialize in this area, so it's not a specialty of mine.

00:29:21.398 --> 00:29:23.011
I mean they might have a better idea.

00:29:23.011 --> 00:29:24.695
I don't, honestly.

00:29:24.695 --> 00:29:30.576
If anything I mean that's one change that's happened is, is kids like their parents a lot more these days.

00:29:30.576 --> 00:29:32.622
Millennials and Gen Zs like their parents.

00:29:32.622 --> 00:29:33.911
That's good to hear.

00:29:33.931 --> 00:29:47.567
I want to spend more time with their parents than from what I've heard from people my age and baby boomers, because most baby boomers will tell you right, they felt all those obligations, they felt that pressure, they felt the guilt and didn't like it.

00:29:47.567 --> 00:29:51.259
Baby boomers really reacted to that and they raised their children differently.

00:29:51.259 --> 00:29:57.640
And Gen Xers, we raise our children differently and so the relationships I do think are much tighter.

00:29:57.640 --> 00:30:00.617
The estrangement thing that is just so hard.

00:30:00.617 --> 00:30:02.917
I've worked with a parent or two who've gone through it.

00:30:02.917 --> 00:30:04.477
It's horribly, horribly painful.

00:30:04.529 --> 00:30:05.932
Okay, we're going to play this next one.

00:30:09.000 --> 00:30:17.652
Hi there, I have two wonderfully amazing daughters who were always best friends when they were growing up, but now one won't even speak to the other.

00:30:17.652 --> 00:30:20.198
It breaks my heart as their mother.

00:30:20.198 --> 00:30:24.896
I think it all comes from a root of jealousy, one more jealous than the other.

00:30:24.896 --> 00:30:26.221
Is there anything I can do?

00:30:31.131 --> 00:30:37.261
Well, this is all going to sound very familiar, but no, there's not much you can do.

00:30:37.261 --> 00:30:42.155
You cannot force your daughters to be friends again.

00:30:42.155 --> 00:30:43.038
You can't.

00:30:43.038 --> 00:30:54.734
And one thing is is that, just like your children, when they were younger, went through ups and downs in their sisterly relationship, I too have a sister, so I know this one well.

00:30:55.938 --> 00:31:06.656
This may not be what it is for the rest of your life, that right now, for whatever reason, where your two daughters are right now, they're struggling to have a relationship for whatever reasons.

00:31:06.656 --> 00:31:12.468
So the first one is not to get stuck in this place of this is how it's going to be for the rest of our lives.

00:31:12.468 --> 00:31:14.654
Separate Christmases, separate this, separate that.

00:31:14.654 --> 00:31:26.711
This is where they're at, and so you just kind of have to deal with each event as it comes just for a little while and trust that there will be the hope is there will be some sort of resolution in the future.

00:31:26.711 --> 00:31:49.221
I actually read this stat that, apparently, that when siblings become estranged and when they stop spending time with each other as adults, that usually it's opposite sex, that usually it's female, male opposite sex, that of all, the pairings of siblings that have the closest relationship and have the closest relationship through a lifetime are sisters.

00:31:49.221 --> 00:31:51.433
Hopefully that gives you a sense of hope.

00:31:51.433 --> 00:31:56.979
I don't know how old they are, but I do believe that at some point there is going to be something that's going to change that.

00:31:57.470 --> 00:31:59.258
Now you can't force that along.

00:31:59.258 --> 00:32:02.659
All you can do is be the person who says I love you both equally.

00:32:02.659 --> 00:32:10.634
I can't get involved, that's not my place to do that, and then all you need to do is say okay, we're having a family gathering, you're both invited, I'll see you both there.

00:32:10.634 --> 00:32:15.938
And if one of you decides not to come, okay, I'm not going to not uninvite anybody.

00:32:15.938 --> 00:32:22.201
I mean, I think you have to say from the beginning like, you're both invited to everything, I'm not going to be there to talk about the other one with you.

00:32:22.201 --> 00:32:24.763
If you need to talk to someone, it can't be me.

00:32:24.763 --> 00:32:30.127
And again, just set those boundaries really clear and then that's it.

00:32:30.127 --> 00:32:38.816
It's heartbreaking, and the less you interfere, actually, I do think that they will have a bit of an easier time of coming back together.

00:32:38.816 --> 00:32:41.135
I think that's absolutely true.

00:32:42.050 --> 00:32:56.398
So the next question is from a listener who said it would be interesting to hear from others on how to navigate the intersection of the adult child losing a parent, as well as how the remaining parent can manage now being the only parent.

00:32:56.398 --> 00:32:57.862
Any thoughts?

00:33:06.809 --> 00:33:18.855
Yeah, it's definitely a transitional time for the entire family, having that awareness that this is a transition, that everyone now is learning to play a new role in the family and that no one's going to do it very well and there's going to be a lot of ups and downs, just the recognition that you're both grieving.

00:33:18.855 --> 00:33:22.352
When it comes to grief, there is no, there's no solution to it.

00:33:22.352 --> 00:33:24.395
There's no top five techniques.

00:33:24.395 --> 00:33:31.398
It's time and it's the processing of time, allowing yourself to go through the stages of grief, feel all the feels.

00:33:31.398 --> 00:33:43.178
So the best thing that you can do is just be really, really sensitive to the fact that my child is grieving the loss of a parent and just as the child needs to be aware of my parent is grieving the loss of a partner.

00:33:43.178 --> 00:33:46.579
And just come at things from that perspective.

00:33:46.579 --> 00:33:48.300
Just trust that.

00:33:48.300 --> 00:33:54.346
You know you'll all get out through this and it'll be different, but you'll get through it.

00:33:54.346 --> 00:33:57.048
You just have to be supportive of each other.

00:33:58.511 --> 00:34:01.942

Season 3, Episode 80 - Listener Questions

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